The super fun part of picking out stuff for our new house has started happening over the last few weeks. I went to pick out appliances and the experience didn’t disappoint. I’ve been dreaming of this moment… shiny…new…shit. First stop, Starbucks…I’ll resume my boycott later…right then I needed to be awake and focused to make out with the biggest refrigerator I saw followed by the biggest washing machine. I went in the appliance store and my builder’s sales agent wasn’t there so I helped myself to every button, knob, and shiny object I could get my hands on. A man that looked like Santa Clause helped me for a bit but I could tell he was getting annoyed so we parted ways. I was in the washer and dryer area getting as intimate as I could with each one when I took a sip of my vanilla latte and the lid came off…mid sip…dumping melt my implants hot coffee all down myself. I didn’t have any napkins, wipes, or anything helpful in my giant ass purse so I solved the problem by zipping up my hoodie. I continued looking around until I noticed awkward glances coming my way one right after another. I headed for my car and in the reflection of my windows I saw it…2 wet boob spots soaked through my cotton jacket…like a teenager leaving the pool and putting on her shirt before the push up padding had dried. I cussed myself and then threw the jacket in the backseat. On the drive home I decided to eat my philly cheese steak sandwich that was still letting off steam in the passenger seat. I took a bite and the hot innards fell out the other end landing on my chest…a giant blob of steaming steak and melted cheese. There were no napkins in my food bag and I couldn’t bare hand the blob because I would get that mess all over my steering wheel so I just had to leave it…become one with it. The melted cheese and latte stickiness were like glue. Once home I walked in the door and my nanny looked frazzled..she was gatherin her shit. It’s rare that I walk in and her bun is a mess…I knew immediately that the girls gave her a run for her money. She gave me a quick recap of their day while putting her shoes on and dipped out…she never mentioned the blob of shit stuck to my chest or my wet clothes. I then walked to the back playroom to say hi to the girls and Claudia said “Mom!!, please tell me you have leftover french fries!!” That’s when I realized that being a hot mess has become my normal.

    Next week I’m picking out flooring and cabinets…stay tuned!