I remember when Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were just me and Will making stops by everyone’s houses for delicious hot food (man!…hot food…that you eat with a fork…while sitting down…memories), exchanging gifts, and lots of deserts and hugs. I also remember being stressed out because we might not have enough time to catch a nap before going to “da club”. I would love to punch my younger, no children self right square in the face…idiot. This Christmas was nothing short of yet another toddler-tastic adventure with the tutu mafia. Christmas Eve we were supposed to be at my sister’s house at 3pm. Ok…this shouldn’t be hard…3pm…3 in the afternoon…humpteen hours after our day starts. The toddlers woke up ever so sweetly with jacked up morning hair chanting “Merry Christmas Eve!”, spewing toddler morning breath all over me and the baby. I will never forget the cuteness of them walk-skipping down the hall, bumping into each other every 3rd step, so excited to go Aunt Jinfer’s house. Around lunch time that sweetness turned into Satan’s diarrhea that made me question my role as a mom as well as download 3 different books on parenting and discipline. I threatened to take away their presents under the tree…they didn’t care…and once I threw the last wrapped gift in my bedroom, I took them seriously. I moved them from the nice list to the naughty list to the extra naughty list to the naughtier than naughty list to the Santa is NEVER coming here list. Sigh. They were off the charts terrible. I’ve seen better behavior at Chucky Cheese on discount day. I tried to sit down and reason with them, to which they informed me…verbatim…”we’ll be good for Christmas next year”. Well…splendid!!…something to look forward to. At 2pm they both fell asleep. As much as I wanted to run through their rooms screaming and throwing stuff everywhere…we all know that when a cranky toddler falls asleep, you tip toe your ass everywhere. At 4:30pm we pulled up to my sister’s house…my head hung in shame. At 5pm I had the car unloaded of kids, gifts, diaper bag, and my mouth watering chocolate peppermint brownies. In we go, like a barrel of monkeys. My nephew got a Golden Doodle puppy for Christmas…Yogi…cute as can be…looks like a stuffed animal. He stole my baby’s pacifier and ate every plate of food I made for the girls. Super cool animal. Next up was opening gifts. It was supposed to be 1 at a time so we could see what everyone got but somehow it turned into a mad dash and all you could see was paper and bows flying in the air. A bit later everyone was doing their own thing and I was playing with all the new kid toys…by myself…whatever. I looked to my right and watched Yogi as he ate straight out of every platter of food on the table…I wonder how many Oreo balls a puppy can handle. I looked to my left and my precious little niece was peeing right there in the living room floor…drowning 2 boxes I was about to load in my car. My first reaction was to yell “HELP…BABY SAM IS PISSIN IN THE FLOOR!”…she just stared at me. If you don’t like it…piss on it. Here comes Claudia…running as usual…and sloshes right through the pee puddle…then dog #1…then dog #2…wait wait wait…here comes Bay sliding right through to home base. I love the holidays! We shake everyone dry and I load the tutu mafia in the car and head back home for our Christmas Eve tradition of letting the girls open their gifts from us…yes, I put them all back under the tree…slightly dented and a little banged up from chunking them from the tree to my room. Eh, they still looked pretty festive. After we walked in the garage door, there was a knock at the front door. Y’all, our neighbor dressed up as Santa and his granddaughters as Elves to surprise our girls. It was such a memorable moment seeing that twinkle of wonder and awe in the girl’s eyes. I had to quickly erase all the scribbles and slash marks through the word Nice on the list before Santa checked it…and the few hand gestures I drew. Once Santa left for the North Pole next door, it was time to open gifts from the coolest mom and dad ever! Claudia and Bayla couldn’t differ more in this category. Claudia wants piles and piles of gifts, not because she wants more toys, but because she loves the glamorous-ness of everyone watching her tear through the paper and seeing her soap opera dramatic, hands clenched over her heart, eyes squinted just perfect as if a fake tear might slip through, “Oh my goooosshh, I’ve wanted this for 5 years and it’s finally here!” reaction. Pretty good for someone that hasn’t been on this Earth for 5 years. Bayla, on the other hand, is a 1 and done type of kid. When she opens a gift, 1 of 2 things will happen. She will either hand it back and say “I don’t like it” and then go off and play with some of her other toys or she will love the gift, take it out of the packaging, discover it from top to bottom, and play endlessly with it. Game over. Claudia always happily offers to open the rest of her gifts…what a good big sister she is. After we were done with that, I found Bayla in my bedroom lining up ornaments in the floor. Wait…those aren’t our ornaments…”Bay???, where did you get these ornaments?” …….”from Jinfer’s Christmas tree.”
That night I start feeling really terrible so I went to bed with the girls…at midnight. I got up with them the next morning to see what Santa brought when he broke into our house while we were sleeping. After that I was in the bed dying for the next day and a half. I finally peeled myself out of bed and walked in the living room….what the hell?…the place was trashed…TRASHED! I wanted to open every door and walk through the house with a leaf blower. I was up all night long picking up toys off the floor, washing dishes…apparantly they needed to use EVERY item in the cabinets, and deep lunge scrubbing sticky crap off every other surface. The next morning all 3 kids were sick as well as Will…with the flu. The girls constantly wanted me to hold them and at one point I thought I was going to suffocate trying to watch Dr. Phil reruns through 3 heads of hair at 3 in the morning. I was up for the next 3 nights straight nursing everyone to health and spraying everything with Lysol. When Will finally emerged from the bed I just stared at him, looking better than ever with 2 day old dried vomit in my hair. Once everyone had 3 doses of Tamiflu in them I told Will I had to lay down and take a nap or go check in at the looney bin. 3 hours later I jumped straight up from a dead sleep and went running down the hall to the room Claudia and Bayla were in where I knelt down, hugged each one, and told them Merry Christmas. Claudia said “Oh my gosh!!! It’s Christmas again??!!” and Bayla had the biggest smile on her face. I turned around to Will and said “it’s Christmas…right?” He shrugged his shoulders, shook his head yes, and walked away. Ass. About 30 minutes later I realized I was delirious and had to tell the girls it wasn’t Christmas and I was crazy. After everyone was asleep that night, I crawled in bed ready for a good night’s sleep. 5 minutes later Taylor woke up with another high fever followed by Claudia and Bayla. It was another long night. The next afternoon at 2pm Will woke up…wow, doesn’t he look rested and refreshed. My first thought was I hope his energy was back because he would need it to fight me off while I was suffocating him.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Cheers to 2017!