Today goes down in history as “one of those days” that leaves me scratching my head wondering if other moms encounter the things I do or if I’m being paid back for something awful I must’ve done in a past life. I had to go to Satan’s house (Sam’s Club) and of course there was a million people there either aimlessly walking around or shopping for giant boxes of shit. Taylor Kate was just plum pissed at the world today and if you’ve been around this precious baby of mine you know just how incredibly loud her wailing cry is. I spent a good 25 minutes in the parking lot trying to strap the contraption of a baby carrier I have on and get her in, slowly pushing her fat rolls through the arm and leg holes…imagine stuffing a pillow in a sandwich baggie. She’s still wailing. I grab the giant diaper bag packed for a full weeks vacation and head for the entrance, snuggling her hoping to take the wailing down a couple notches to just a normal cry. She suddenly stops crying…she loves mommy’s snuggles, they always soothe her. About 3 steps from the door I hear that baby gurgle and before I can make my next move I’m covered in warm projectile formula. It’s in my hair, running down my neck, dripping from the inside of my shirt to my toes…HOLY SHIT! As I walk in the door in full on survival mode trying to dig out wipes and burp cloths and anything to sop up the mess, I feel a tap on my shoulder…”Mam, do you have your Club card?” Are you shittin me??!! I look up at him and try to sling my dripping wet hair out of my face and gave him a look that I hope gives him nightmares, and then I dug out my card for him. Here comes the wailing again. I’m moving as fast as I can but the carrier didn’t feel right. I look down and my dang baby is nearly sideways. What in the hell??!! 2 things you should never mess with of mine…the seat position in my car and the adjustments of the baby carrier straps. Anyways, I’m rushing through the store constantly doing everything to stop the crying. I’m pushing a cart, walking super fast while trying to bounce, patting her on the back, and trying to get her to take her pacifier. Freak show! Hell, here comes Maw and Paw right up to Taylor asking her “what’s wrong? Did momma do it?” Yes…I beat her on aisle 2 by the gallon jugs of mayonnaise…eye roll. I skirt on by Maw and Paw and quickly mix a bottle. All is calm, but dang it’s hard to give a bottle to a hysterical baby in a near sideways carrier. Almost done with the shopping when what looks like Mama June heading right for me, if I wasn’t feeding with one hand I’d turn my cart around and run. “You feedin her that poison?” Yes ma’am, but it’s ok, I just added the poison pellets when I mixed it…only fresh poison for my baby. My phone rings. FOR PETE’S SAKE! It’s my nanny letting me know that a wasp flew in the house when they came in and she couldn’t get it with the fly swatter but it was staying near the kitchen light…she then tells me she couldn’t find bug spray so she doused it in Windex which was now dripping from the ceiling and light fixture. Wtf? I head to my last most important stop in Sams…energy drinks. What do ya know…they don’t have the one I drink. I could’ve laid down right there in fetal position with my sideways baby and cried. I couldn’t just grab a different one because if I didn’t like it I’d be stuck with 39 shit flavored Monster’s at the low warehouse price of $95. I’m heading to checkout and I’m starving so I grab a box of 50 granola bars…that should hold me over til dinner. I check out…2 items, $495.00…and head to my car to cram this crap between 3 carseats. “Tay, can you hold the 200 rolls of ass wipe for me?” Cue the wailing again…shouldn’t she be hoarse by now??? I open a granola bar and take a bite…it crumbles in a million pieces. Get home and walk inside, my nanny let’s me know that Laverne and Shirley didn’t take naps. Oh god, I might faint. I walked over to the medicine cabinet hoping a drug dealer left his stash there…infant tylenol. I open the drawer…vanilla extract. Wonder what would happen if I mixed the 2.